By Mark Vincent Lincir

If this conversation hasn’t happened by the time you read this, it is happening soon. Below is a hypothetical conversation between Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich and his new full-time manager Roberto Di Matteo (RDM).

RDM: (tugging at collar) Seems a little warm in here.

RA: Somebody please get the air conditioning on!

RDM: (lifting cup in front of him) Is this tea? I prefer coffee.

RA: Let’s get some coffee in here please!

RDM: Mr. Abramovich, let me cut to the chase…I don’t even want the full-time job.

RA: Really?

RDM: No, I’m kidding…was trying to do the “take-away” on you. Of course I want it.

RA: I was thinking of offering you a substantial contract.

RDM: Yeah, I already put some thought into that…I was thinking 10 years, 10 billion dollars.

RA: Billion?

RDM: Yes, how many zeros is that?

RA: Nine, I think.

RDM: No…sorry, then I meant trillion dollars.

RA: Hmmm…

RDM: Two trophies in two months…and I probably would have won more if I had more time.

RA: True…I do like how much you’ve won. And the improbable Champions League run made me very happy. How about one year…$5 million dollars but you’ve got to win every game and the other team can’t ever score a goal on us.

RDM: That’s sounds sort of unreasonable. How about 20 years, 999 trillion dollars…and a “no-termination” clause?

RA: I don’t like that at all. Let’s do a per-game contract. $1 million per win, and $10 million per trophy. Termination can be at any time for any reason.

RDM: Any reason?

RA: Yes.

RDM: But what if I keep winning?

RA: Then there won’t ever be a problem.

RDM: But if I lose, even just once?

RA: Then there are problems.

RDM: And I don’t ever have to play Torres if I don’t want to?

RA: It’s entirely up to you.

RDM: How about John Terry?

RA: You do have to play him…whenever he’s not suspended.

RDM: You have yourself a deal.

Mark Vincent Lincir is the author of THE GIFT OF STOPPAGE TIME & A SOCCER LIFE IN SHORTS